who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
