I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
