we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Even my vagina gasped.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
