I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
