Someone shit on the floor
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
