I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
