Cold hands, warm shart.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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