I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm too high and old for this...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
