My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
