Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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