Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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