tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
i think i just lost a toe
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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