Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
