I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
