I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
