I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We need a shit load of segways right now
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
