Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
