Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
