Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
