I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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