she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
