fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
