I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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