I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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