so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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