Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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