this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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