you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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