totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
