If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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