In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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