I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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