I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
