I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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