i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
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I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
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My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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