how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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