I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
