I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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