i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
