how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
