My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Randomize
