The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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