It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
