exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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