My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Acid is not a monday night drug
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
