capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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