I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
We named our party play list daddy issues
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
