I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
