Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
