Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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