the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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