Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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