my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
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Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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