I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
