you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
