I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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