you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
