two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
