everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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