i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
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On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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